This week has been an interesting test of my perception of the evolution of me. I know the planetary alignments can assist with the waves of emotions, doubts, joy, the energy. However, if I'm being real, it's all me bruh. I haven't been in a funk. Just been unsatisfied. Then I became conflicted because I equated the dissatisfaction with being ungrateful, which spiraled into a vicious cycle that left me tired and drained. Oh...and my hip/back started the almost unbearable pain again...so yep this week was a beast.
I stopped listening to myself. Not the self that talks all day for work or for videos or for friends. The self that lets me know when I need my cup filled, when I'm running out of steam, when I've been in a place too long and have out lived the purpose...that self has been ignored to figure out how to find comfort in the right now. See, I have been conditioned that seeking and desiring more is dishonoring God and what I've been given. Being grateful is synonymous with sitting in the now, while wanting more is regarded as selfish. Why? If you've outgrown a shoe size, should you not desire and get a pair of shoes that actually fit the size of your foot? So why do we place a cap on spirit? Why do we place a ceiling on ourselves? Because that's what we've witnessed in others and have been taught. Because we have been rewarded for the false equivalent of humility and keep seeking that external approval of others saying we are a Good Person. We have been taught that our personal suffering will be rewarded by some type of abundance/blessing. Then we play that out in every facet of our lives and wonder why we are always in pain.
What if that was never the intention of our lives? What if long suffering was a great lie to keep us in a state to feed the egos of others, to feed our internal egos while our spirit dies a painful death? If I'm being honest, I've played this narrative out in every aspect of my life at some point in time. Even now. There is a friend that I revealed a guided message to. They believed on the spiritual level but not really in the physical being. Then an on and off disappearing act began to play out for the better part of a year. I didn't understand why and was in emotional turmoil behind it. It was as though I was being treated like a pariah for a question they asked, and the Creator gave me the answer. That time triggered every form of self-doubt, unworthiness, deep pain and abandonment stemming from early childhood. They were doing the same type of emotional mistreatment and inadvertent manipulation that I've allowed to be done for decades. Keywords "I allowed". Then I was in a place of desperation for them to believe me, don't hate me, find me worthy, accept me, trust me. When really, the Creator deemed me worthy enough to give the message to, and trusted me enough to speak through. That should have been enough, but decades of conditioning left me unnerved, in pain and rewired.
But then, they finally believed. I was elated, until I wasn't. I was wounded and hiding the scars. They apologized for the time...then gave a few buts. I have forgiven, but not forgotten. Can't erase and for some reason not fully released the pain. Then I realized why just today...it shouldn't have been caused in the first place. They have said to me something to the effect that it's more special, rewarding (something like that) because of the trial of that time. That I should be proud that I made it through. And at first I believed that. However my higher self said, "that's some bullshit!" (I'm laughing right now at that) No one should have to suffer, endure pain, in order to be really believed. Because the feeling of being proud was in conflict with the truth, I became angry and resentful of that person. Then I would feel guilty and upset with myself for doing so. Again...hamster wheel of crazy in my brain. That is until today. I finally identified what I was so mad about. What I was resentful about. And then my higher and physical self became aligned, which allowed me to see their conditioning as well. They were carrying out a false narrative the many of us do, we must suffer to show our worthiness.
Humility then becomes synonymous with suffering. Pure Knowing has been linked to arrogance, making us run from who we are and who we were created to be. We block ourselves from receiving blessings and stunt our growth due to feeling unworthy because we haven't suffered enough. We are creations of the Creator, which means we are co-creators of our lives. Who would want to create suffering and pain?
So now, here I am finally speaking the truth I've been feeling and knowing for a while. I'm ready to move on from this place. The place is living in a space of long suffering, spiritually and physically. I am ready to allow my dreams of my life to flourish and grow. To not limit my life to any person's acknowledgement and find that within...the place where the Creator lives. It's a constant state of being that is in direct contrast to my decades of conditioning, however being is so much easier than running after.
Check out the video containing this week's message HairPin Trigger:
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