Whip My Hair Back and Forth

I've always tried to be one with with purpose, however the follow through can have ebbs and flows.  I'll go into a project or a task with vigor; then someone or something will throw me off track, and that project will linger...and linger...and linger.  Lots of 3/4ths of things hanging around, waiting for the 1/4th to come in and make it complete.

This has been a fact of life for decades.  It's not that I don't desire to finish.  It's that I allow suffocation of self to happen.  My negative thoughts.  Feelings of not good enough.  How can I do this when something else needs my attention.  My need to people please even thought I despise being a pleaser will override those initiatives that make me happy.  All of this stems from childhood daggers and the wounds they created.  So first I had to realize that allowing a wound to scab is not closing it, if the wound is a gaping hole and not a mere scratch.  But, it's all internal so a self MRI had to be performed.  Where was the source?

My soul had several holes formed from years of dealing with deaths and their subsequent feelings of loss.  I had to navigate through childhood psychological terror without anyone to really get through the armor I built to let me know what good enough feels like.  So like any good surgeon, this year I was pushed by the Universe to learn the art of mending wounds.

Venus' backwards trip through the cosmos opened up the opportunity for me to unearth past hurts that I forgot existed.  To dig deeper in those that were there and needed the scabs removed for permanent mending.  And I had to do this all on my own.  I became a self-imposed hermit.  My facebook profile remained, but sat unused and unloved.  The others had little interaction as well.  Outings didn't happen.  Phone calls went unreturned or not initiated at all.  I needed to have the space and time to look inside without anyone else's voice interrupting the flow of my own thoughts.

It was not easy.  There were times I'd sit and cry out of nowhere, talking it all out to people who no longer exist.  Asking why to a God that could not answer back, and the answers weren't good enough to make it right.
"Why couldn't she love me?"
"Why did she try to kill me?"
"Why did he have to die?"
"Why couldn't I die with him?"
"Why was I even born if I had to live that way?"
"Why didn't you let those pills work?"
"Why did she have to die?"
"Why was he killed?"
"Why is everyone that thought I was someone with you now?"

The more I came up with the why's, the harder I would cry.  The deeper I went to the source of my pain, the more I released the toxins that fed it.  I held in so much hurt in order to be a functional human, but for all of those years, I was just existing.  I tried living the life of someone else.  I attempted to live the life that others would approve.  I basically lived for people other than Amuri.

What to do next?

Well a series of things came into play.  Some spoken about in other posts as well as plain old meditation.  If I sat with my thoughts, sat with the reality of what was, accepted that truth, I could then have a clear sight into what could be.  Did I really know what I wanted?  Who am I?

The first thing I had to accept was the fact that I'm still here.  I can not change what was.  People are gone for good.  Situations happened.  There's nothing that can be done about the past.  How do I deal with the present?  Well I'm a sumtotal of all of my experiences.  Everything thing that happened shaped my decisions, shaped my emotions, shaped my path.  I untangled the done in order to undo the mess.

Just like my hair when I don't comb it for days.  Ok weeks...It hurts like hell to comb through.  Using gobs of detangler mostly helps moisturize, but the knots still have to be worked through.  Pulling, tugging, clearing out is the process that must occur in order to achieve a mess free result.   When done, there's always a giant ball of shedded hair that could make several afros, sitting on the floor.  The waste.  Once that process is over, I can then wash and style my hair into any shape that suits my face and mood for the week.  I am the one that has to do the work, but can create the style in the end.  I control the final product.